Get the Conversation Going

Starting a conversation about alcohol, tobacco and other drugs with your kids is never easy — but it’s also not as difficult as you may think.

Your teens may be pressing for independence but the truth is they need to hear from you.

Use blocks of time such as after dinner, before bedtime, before school or on the drive to or

from school and extracurricular activities to talk about drugs and why they’re harmful. Take

advantage of everyday “teachable moments” and, in no time at all, you’ll have developed

an ongoing dialogue with your child. Teachable moments refer to using every day events in

your life to point out things you’d like your child to know about.

Use the following “teachable moments” as a starting point, but develop others based on your own life:

Point out alcohol, tobacco, and drug-related situations going on in

your own neighborhood. If you and your child are at the park and see a group of kids

drinking or smoking, use the moment to talk about the negative effects of alcohol and

tobacco.

Use newspaper headlines or TV news stories as a conversation

starter. The daily news is filled with stories that detail the consequences of alcohol

and drug abuse. Talk to your child about the mother who used drugs and was

arrested. Who will take care of her baby now? Did she make a good decision when

she used drugs?

Watch TV with your kids, and ask them what they think. Do the shows

and advertising make drug use look acceptable and routine? Or do they show its

downside? How did that program make your child feel about drugs? Write a letter

with your child to companies or TV networks about the messages they put out about

drugs. Also remember that anti-drug advertising — such as that from the Partnership

for a Drug-Free America — is a great kickoff to discussion.

www.timetotalk.org | www.drugfree.org

Tips for Parents

• Be an involved parent.  (American Academy of Pediatrics, AAP)
  • Show interest in your teenager’s activities and friends.
  • Talk openly, honestly, and respectfully with your teenager.
  • Set clear limits and expectations.
  • Know what’s going on at school and after school.
  • Teach your teenager how to safely avoid violence.
• Encourage independence while teaching safety.  (AAP)
  • As teenagers are testing their new independent roles, it’s not an easy time for parents, but if teens don’t get love, security, and a feeling of safety from their family, they might look elsewhere, even toward friends who are a bad influence, such as gang members.
  • One of the best ways parents can help their teenagers stay safe is to teach them how to avoid violence.
• Positive communication is very important.  Good communication involves talking and listening with your teenager.  Your goal is to have open, respectful, and honest conversations.  Teens need to feel loved        and that their point of view is respected, even when you disagree.  (AAP)
• Respect your child’s thoughts and opinions without judging them.  Support your child’s interests and strengths, but don’t force things.  (National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, NICHD)
• Parents need to be careful about how they express approval or disapproval. Parents who are harsh in their disapproval may hurt their children’s self-esteem; parents who never express disapproval may raise children who can’t deal with any criticism. Try to find a balance between expressions of approval and disapproval. Be consistent in your rewards and punishments.  (NICHD)

References

• American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP)
• National Institute of Child Health and Human Development (NICHD)

Parenting Tips – from “Yes, You Can” by James E. Stowers

“…what life lessons should you teach your kids now so that when they leave the nest, they’ll have the tools to build a happy, successful future?...we are products of our environment. If you project a positive attitude at home, your children will be more likely to believe in themselves and their ability to be successful. And, if your children know you believe in them, they will be far more likely to accept life’s challenges with confidence and see obstacles more as opportunities than setbacks they cannot overco me. As Mary Kay Ash, the founder of Mary Kay Cosmetics, said, ‘If you think you can, you can. If you think you can’t, you’re right’

                Here are just a few other tips that can help your children weather life’s surprises, opportunities and challenges:

·         Treat people with respect: …start with small courtesies such as saying ‘please, thank you, excuse me, and I’m sorry’. Encourage them to offer their seat to an elderly person. You’ll be teaching them social skill that will reward them as they get older. Help them understand that when they treat people with respect, they will be seen as sincere, as someone who can be trusted and as someone people want to spend time with. In today’s world those are powerful traits that can open many doors and opportunities.

·         Share your time and treasure with others: When children are young, they are eager to help others. If you accept their help with gratitude and show appreciation for their efforts, you will instill in them the spirit of giving back. When they are older, they will remember how great it felt to help someone in need and they will be more likely to seek out opportunities to volunteer in their community.

·         Put your heart into everything you do: Help your kids understand that hard work is rewarded, not only from the standpoint of recognition and monetary compensation, but from the inner satisfaction of knowing that it’s the best you can do. If something is worth doing, it’s worth doing right.

·         Protect your financial future: Children who learn the value of saving money and spending it wisely are more likely to be financially stable throughout their adult lives. By teaching your children the difference between needs and wants, you are establishing a pattern that will help them to make wise choices when they are spending more than their weekly allowances.

·         Be someone people can count on: Explain to your children how important it is to follow through with commitments and then model that behavior when you tell them you are going to do something. If they establish themselves as dependable, they will gain the trust and respect of those they encounter throughout their life.

·         Believe in yourself: Teach your children to look people in the eye when they are speaking and have a strong handshake that communicates self-confidence to the person they are greeting. This will demonstrate enthusiasm and friendliness, and establish a lasting first impression with everyone they meet.

·         ...the best gift that parents can give their children are roots and wings. Arm your children with these basic life skills and attitudes. Then let them go and watch them soar to successful lives.”

How to Praise Kids – by David Walsh, Ph.D

1.       Praise the effort more than the ability. Instead of “You’re really smart”, say “I like the way you stuck with that math problem”.

2.       Praise should be specific rather than generic. Instead of “You’re good at math”, say “You did a good job on your multiplication tables”.

3.       Praise should be sincere. Kids know by the age of seven when praise is insincere and they begin to believe the opposite. “I must be a really bad hockey player if they tell me that I played a good game”.

4.       Praise should be intermittent, not overdone. Intermittent praise activates the orbito prefrontal cortex of the brain, the motivation circuit.

How to raise children that can be self sufficient and successful – research indicates that self discipline is two times as strong an indicator of success in school over intelligence. As parents, self discipline is a great gift we can give to our children by applying the following suggestions from Dr. David Walsh

How to Prevent DDD—Discipline Deficit Disorder – by David Walsh Ph.D.

1.       Learn how to say NO

2.       Support, don’t rescue

3.       Encourage, don’t coddle

4.       Get kids what they need, but not everything they want

5.       Back up teachers and schools – [work as a team to help your child succeed].

6.       Become MediaWise  [don’t allow excessive use of media, and monitor its use]

7.       Have clear and high expectations

8.       Expect kids to do chores

9.       Set and enforce clear limits and consequences

10.   Expect kids to volunteer and help others

Notes from Dr. Walsh’s presentation – “Saying YES to NO”

·         The number one concern of businesses is having employees who have an excellent work ethic – work hard, delay gratification

·         Remember, it is the child’s job to push the limits, it is the parent’s job to establish limits and consequences and apply those consequences when rules are broken.

·         Best parenting style is fair (doing what is right for each individual child) and consistent

·         Self Esteem Myths

1.       Self esteem feels good

2.       Praise from others builds self esteem

3.       Self esteem comes first and leads to success in school, relationships, career, and life

4.       Stress, challenge and disappointment damage self esteem

·         Self Esteem Reality

1.       Self esteem is a set of opinions I have about myself

2.       Self esteem is built through competence and achievement

3.       Social competence is being self disciplined enough to put someone else’s needs above my own.

4.       When we do for our children what they should be doing for themselves, we steal from them the opportunity to  achieve competence.

5.       Achieving competence leads to positive self esteem.

What you can do to guide and advise your freshman  (the following information is taken from An Instruction Booklet for the Parents of College Bound Students by Linda O’Brian, Pub. Woodburn Press, 1998 pp.9-11) - When a student becomes a freshman, everything starts to “count”. Freshman grades are used in determining GPA (grade point average).  Freshman activities, honors, and awards can all be listed on college and scholarship applications. Freshman courses, grades, and credits all become part of the student’s transcript.

·         Encourage your cadet to become involved in a wide variety of activities – In addition to asking students to list their high school activities, many college and scholarship applications ask for evidence of leadership. If your cadet has leadership potential, encourage him/her to develop his/her leadership skills by being an officer of a club or to move up in rank. Depth of involvement in any activity (ex. 4 years on drill team) is also important because it shows focus and commitment.